This January

— after January by Lidia Yuknavitch

Does January mark something epic? I hope so. I could use some epic right about now - quiet or loud. Epic changes, epic courage, epic bravery and epic love. Love of my preferences, longings, dreams and ideas. What I'm saying is epic trust. Trust that I know and I can't get it wrong.

Firsts are confronting for me - both exciting and scary. I was the first in my family to get divorced. Nine years ago I didn't know the path forward but at least there were others who had walked it and I could ask some questions. Culture had some language for divorce. And I found my way.

Now here I am at a new first threshold. This, here, now - the conversation I find myself in - is new. It may not be new out in the world, but it's new terrain here inside myself. And if I'm honest, I have been in a version of this conversation for as long as I can remember.

Today, what’s different is that I’m listening more. I'm crowding out the noise I used to distract myself with - the people pleasing, the busying, all the outer doership. I used to say “yes” to a lot and now I'm feeling more “no” inside. No to spending time with people I'm not very interested in, no to fear driving my actions, no to the old narrative of not being enough.

Here's the thing though - I'm not clear what my yeses are. I mean, I am a yes to coffee, to snuggling my dogs, to loving my daughters, to supporting my parents, to serving others, to yoga & to Italy. But I feel like more yeses are coming; bigger yeses. Yeses that really change me.

Not knowing is uncomfortable. I’m supposed to know what I’m a yes to, right? Do other people encounter this or are they clear and resolved?

So here I am, January, at a new threshold, speaking a language I both know and don’t have words for.

From an Untamed Writing class taught by Dana Childers